The Luthor in Her
by Irhaboggles
Summary: Lena's feelings for Kara were confusing, to say the least. But after the "Big Reveal", at best, she could say that Kara made her feel insane. Or perhaps she'd always been a bit mad. It only just got worse after Kara's betrayal. But even so, Lena felt unable to turn back. Madness was all she had left. And she would fan the flames for all it was worth. It was just the Luthor in her.


_I'm your Opheliac, I've been so disillusioned. I know you'd take me back, but still I feign confusion._

Lena's feelings for Kara were confusing, to say the least. She didn't even know what those feelings _were_, let alone whether or not she wanted to follow or change them. After the "Big Reveal", Lena had just become so disillusioned with life in general. It was hard to say what she felt anymore. It was either nothing at all, or an overwhelming storm she could never hope to understand. At the very least, she could say that Kara made her feel insane, and that they were not friends. Or at least, on _Lena's side_, they were not friends. She was presently tricking the Girl of Steel into thinking that all had been forgiven, so as far as Kara knew, they were friends for real. In truth, though, it was only just an act. Lena knew in her heart that Kara was happy to have her back, but another part of Lena refused to let such a big issue resolve itself so quickly and quietly. As such, she feigned ignorance and acceptance while keeping a much larger plot up her sleeve.

_I couldn't be your friend. My world was too unstable._

No, if there was one thing that was for sure, it was that Lena simply could not be Kara's friend. Not right now, at least. Not as long as all the confusing, chaotic, conflicting emotions were still running high, impossible for Lena to untangle and understand. Once again, Lena didn't even know what her feelings for Kara _were_, let alone how to deal with them. So as long as that was a problem she had to face, they simply could not be friends. Even if Lena desired it, there was always a small part of her refusing to move forward. Life was just too crazy for the Luthor right now.

_You might have seen the end, but you were never able to keep me breathing as the water rises up again, before I slip away…_

Even if Kara had truly known what was going on, Lena doubted that it would've helped. She already knew that Kara would not be able to save her. Not anymore. It was too late for that now. There had been a time when Kara came close, coming out to Lena at the Pulitzer ceremony, but even _that _apology had come too late. It was the closest Kara had ever gotten to seeing what her lie had truly done to Lena, but even that apology, as moving as it had been, was too little too late. Lena's vengeful side warped the apology and she became convinced it was just an act, like everything else Kara had ever done. The apology was lost on Lena and she became lost to her vengeance. It was too late to save her this time.

_You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way.  
_So Lena's little game continued and Kara, somehow, remained ignorant to it. Despite knowing Lena better than pretty much anyone else, Kara was somehow incapable of realizing that Lena was lying to her. But that was the Luthor in her, a master at lying, deceiving and manipulating. Even if Lena loathed her Luthor genes, she knew she had them and she wasn't always opposed to using them if the time was right.

_You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay._

And in fact, Kara had seen this Luthor-ish side of Lena before! That was part of what made Kara's current ignorance so baffling. In the days when Lena and Supergirl had argued, Kara had seen firsthand how Luthor-ish Lena could really be, but for some reason, Kara didn't suspect a thing now. Kara ought to have known how good Lena was at clenching her teeth and entering a truce even if she really didn't want to but, for some reason, Kara didn't seem to be the least bit suspicious at how easily Lena had "forgiven" her now.

_You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me when everything and everyone becomes my enemy and when there's nothing more you can do  
I'm gonna blame it on you!_

But then again, maybe Lena's relationship with Kara had never been as clear as Lena's memory was making it out to be. There had been a few times before when Kara seemed to have doubted Lena. Or even when she remained stalwart, it would be _Lena's_ turn to doubt _Kara's_ loyalty to her and then Lena would manage to blame her anyway. Maybe this was just another one of those times? One had actually happened just last year when Lex first broke out of prison. Kara failed to ever check up on Lena in that time and Lena had, initially, accused Kara of being a bad friend. It was only later that Lena was able to rationalize with herself that Kara had just been busy trying to get the story and that her "neglect" of Lena had not been intentional or malicious. Then another time had happened back in the first year that they knew each other, when Lena was being framed for something and Kara had come in to talk to her about it. Back then, Lena had accused Kara of sounding more like a reporter than a friend…

_It's not the way I want to be, I only hope that in the end you will see, it's the Opheliac in me._

But Lena had only done this out of fear. Fear that Kara, the only person she had ever loved, was starting to lose faith in her. Nothing scared Lena more than that. It was a fatal flaw of hers and she knew she had it, but she had no idea how to fix it. It was maddening, to say the least. But what else could she do except hope that in the end, Kara would understand? It was only just the Luthor in her, the side of her that feared being abandoned and would react harshly if she felt threatened by it. Lena's habit of lashing out while in a panic was not new. Her habit of allowing her insecurities to cloud her judgment and lead her to judge others prematurely was not new either. Especially when it came to Kara. It was just because she loved Kara so much. If she ever thought there was a time where Kara was slipping away from her, that would always scare and break her like nothing else. Didn't the Big Reveal prove that? It was just the insane Luthor in her, and the mad love she felt for Kara.

_I'm your Opheliac. My motives prove my virtues. I'm open to attack, but I don't want to hurt you._

Then as time passed, some of that madness finally came to light and, at last, Kara was made aware of it. She was also made aware of what else Lena's madness had created: a project called _Non Nocere_. Lena liked to think that this noble project, and the motivation behind it, vindicated her when nothing else would. When even _she_ became her own worst enemy, _Non Nocere _would always be there, a shining beacon of light and hope through her dark, dreary, doubtful world. It would be the new foundation upon which she built a new life and legacy. She'd fix the world. There was no greater goal than that. So if nothing else, Lena liked to see _Non Nocere _as proof that she was good. She liked to say that the project gave her a new sense of direction and purpose in life since Kara had stolen her last one. But now Kara knew about _Non Nocere _and Lena already knew she would not approve. Their confrontation as enemies had come sooner than the Luthor expected, but Lena was not afraid to fight the alien. But even though Lena was not afraid to fight Kara, there was still a part of her that feared accidentally killing her…

_Whether I swim or sink, that's no concern of yours now._

But God, Kara, Kara, Kara! That's what it always came back to! And Lena found herself furious and ashamed that even after all her best efforts to move away from Kara, Kara was still always on her mind. Lena tried to tell herself that Kara was no longer her concern, and vice versa, but that solved nothing. Lena tried to make herself emotionally ready to fight the alien girl, but every time they came close, Lena was always careful never to hurt her too terribly. She could still not bring herself to kill Kara, or do any lasting damage. But even so, with Kara finally learning the truth about Lena, Lena redoubled her efforts to keep Kara away. Her life was no longer any of Kara's business. Kara didn't deserve to know.

_How could you possibly think you had the power to know how to keep me breathing as the water rises up again, before I slip away?_

So when that fateful battle at the Fortress came around, Lena did not hold back. She screamed and cried her fury and betrayal. How could Kara possibly think they'd be ok after such an earth-shattering secret was revealed?! How could Kara possibly think one little apology would be enough? How could Kara possibly think Lena would forgive her so fast? How could Kara possibly think she still had that much power over Lena? How could Kara possibly think she still mattered to Lena now? How could Kara possibly think she could save Lena? Let alone so easily? How could Kara possibly think? Kara was a fool, and Lena let her know before leaving her sealed in the Fortress, ensnared by Kryptonite. But even so, Lena made sure the dosage wasn't fatal. Even after all this time, the Luthor still refused to kill the Super. Lena did not want to hurt Kara, at least not forever. But she was not afraid to attack and make sure the alien understood just whose heart it was that she had shattered…

_You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way!_

_You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay!_

_You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me when everything and everyone becomes my enemy!_

_And when there's nothing more you can do, I'm gonna blame it on you!  
It's not the way I want to be. I only hope that in the end you will see, it's the Opheliac in me…_

Now Lena's project had been uncovered and the Superfriends were trying to stop her. Well! Lena certainly wasn't going to take that one lying down! Instead, she only redoubled her efforts and security, going to great lengths to hide and keep working on her project. Her insanity was growing. She was not the cackling mad scientist who was dissecting live patients, but she was still going mad from all the lies and secrecy she had to resort to, coupled with her complete and utter isolation from the rest of the world.

"Your partnership has meant the world to me, Hope. You're the only friend I can count on…"

"But Ms. Luthor, I am not your friend."

_Studies show: Intelligent girls are more depressed because they know what the world is really like. _

_But don't think for a beat it makes it better when you sit her down and tell her everything's gonna all right._

_She knows in society she either is a devil or an angel with no in between._

_And she speaks in third person so she can forget that she's me!_

But even so, Lena felt unable to turn back now. She'd come too far. Besides, this was for the best. _Non Nocere _was for the best. And it had to commence no matter what. The world was just too broken as it was to be left alone any longer. Lena knew that her actions were painting her as a villain, but she no longer cared. _Non Nocere _was too important. Besides, she knew in her heart that she was good (what kind of villain would make curing the world their end goal?) so that was enough. And it seemed like no matter what she did, she'd always be a hero to some but a villain to others. If that were the case, she as might as well continue _Non Nocere _anyway. The world (at least as it was then) would always see her that way, a devil or angel with no in between. So she might as well keep going until she managed to reach the end and then she could maybe finally change things. But until that day, she'd bear the cross of being hero and villain and try to forget her pains until she had finally reached her goal. She was no stranger to all the conflicting names and titles. She could deal with it for a while longer.

_Doubt thou the stars are fire. _

_Doubt thou the sun doth move. _

_Doubt truth to be a liar. _

_But never doubt that I love._

But even if life was crazy and Lena's mind was tearing her in half, she could at least remain convinced and convicted that she and Kara were enemies and that _Non Nocere _had to succeed no matter what. Even if the real world wasn't as black-and-white as that, Lena was clinging to oversimplified and exaggerated "truths" because they were all she had left. She was going mad. She needed something to keep her grounded before she totally lost it. If these beliefs in her rivalry with Supergirl, and her own goodness because of _Non Nocere_, were what got her through the day, then those were the beliefs she was going to hold. It was all she had left in this world of madness and mistrust.

And in the past, Lena's belief in her own goodness had actually been quite shaky. But after Kara revealed her true colors as a liar, deceiver and manipulator, Lena began to feel much better about herself in a very strange and twisted way. She felt more righteous than she ever had before. Although learning that Kara was willing to sink to such tactics as lying and manipulation made Lena feel completely betrayed and alone, it did remove some of the inferiority Lena used to feel when with her. Now they were on level playing fields. Now neither of them was better than the other. Now that Lena knew Kara's true colors, she could truly believe she was just as good. Kara had no moral superiority over her anymore.

But in the same way both Kara and Lena were equally good, they were also equally "bad". Both of them were still making mistakes and committing questionable actions, especially in Lena's case. But as she had said before, the entire world knew the kind of games she and her family played and the words they would say in order to get their own way. They knew the lies Lena would tell if she ever needed to be less than 100% honest in order to achieve her goals. So none of what she did should've been that surprising to anyone. Lena was bringing those Luthor skills back into play for _Non Nocere_, saying and doing whatever it took to get her project up. And at the same time, she was continuing her revenge plot on Kara, trying to break her own inhibitions one by one until they were all gone and she could really get to work on the Girl of Steel.

"And the world knows how hard it can be to keep believing in me when everything and everyone becomes my enemy," the Luthor said to herself as she paced her lab. "And yet, in all the times before, I have come out on top and proven that I am truly good. They will have to believe me now just as they needed to back then. That's the only way this thing can really work."

But unfortunately, as the history had since shown, if there was nothing more the world (or anyone in it) could do, Lena could still turn the blame around away from herself if she so chose. It truly wasn't the way she wanted to be, but she had no idea how to change it. That was part of what _Non Nocere _was supposed to do: fix the problematic urges of mankind, mankind including Lena herself. But until then, until she found a cure for her more destructive thoughts and habits, she could only hope that in the end everyone would see…

_It's the Opheliac in me_

**AN: Based on the Emilie Autumn song "Opheliac". I was listening to the lyrics and realized how much they fit early S5 Lena, so here we go. This spans from 5x01-5x08.**


End file.
